Maria Shriver

How to Love an American Man

By Kristine Gasbarre

Follow @krissygasbarre

Men are impossible.

At age 28, that's what I believed. Everything from He's Just Not That Into You to my own dating history suggested that I was one of millions of American women navigating a dating pool with foolishly high hopes. "Choose what you want, then get it." That's how girls in my generation had been raised to tackle goals, but when it came to relating intimately with another person, that deepest desire felt out of our control.

Guys our age acted distant and aloof, and for a lot of young women, loving another person seemed like an old-fashioned, endangered fantasy.

Where had all the good men gone? And why weren't there guys like my grandfather? For sixty years he'd been a devoted husband; and even with the responsibilities of marriage, he had enough focus to launch his own manufacturing business. Not only was Grandpa smart and sincere, he also appreciated my brains and my heart. When he passed away in 2008, I didn't just lose my grandpa: I lost the only guy who got me.

A month before he died, my family learned that Grandpa was even more of a pillar than we'd known. He and my grandma revealed that she'd been diagnosed with dementia two years prior, but they made a pact not to tell because Grandpa wanted to protect how dignified and proud my grandma had always been. How did this self-knowing woman get this loving man?, I wondered...then I got an idea. I would investigate my grandma's insights on men and relationships while her mind was sharp enough to share them.

I spent afternoons with Grandma Glo, asking about her marriage. She shared the clumsy way Grandpa first asked her out and how, even in the face of his early business failures, she supported him. We laughed about the marital mistakes they survived, and together we remembered how -- despite the headstrong nature Grandpa had been known for -- on his deathbed he cried and thanked my grandma for taking care of him.

Week by week my notebook grew full of Grandma's reflections, but I wasn't the only one writing. I bought Grandma a journal to process her grief and to fill the moments when her house felt loneliest. Talking about Grandpa not only brought Grandma comfort, it also kept her memory sharp and her thoughts flowing without stumbling over words or losing her place in the story. Remembering the kind of man my grandfather was also fostered Grandma's sense of self-efficacy: as she recalled how they made decisions together, she practiced authority in her health. "He wanted me to be independent," she said. "I'm trying not to burden our kids."

As I learned about my grandparents' relationship, I discovered that loving a man has nothing to do with being a perfect woman or finding the "perfect" guy. Longtime love requires knowing your value and partnering with the man who'd do anything to preserve it.

Readers of How to Love an American Man ask me my favorite lessons that Grandma Glo imparted. These are powerful:

First, get your own life settled. I asked Grandma whether she thought focusing on my career and travel in my twenties made me an undesirable, "selfish" candidate for love. She said no way: young women should create a foundation as an individual before we settle down with a guy, she said. When my grandpa died, it reminded us both that in or out of marriage, there are challenges a woman will have to face by herself. "A woman needs to be strong," Grandma said. "That's a big part of marriage."

Does he know what he wants for his life? Find a man with passion, because chasing his dreams is what makes him feel like a man. Grandma has giggled at my use of the word "sexy," but we agree that there's nothing sexier than a man who has his sight on something ambitious. And I've learned the hard way: a man who doesn't consider his contributions to the world to be important isn't going to consider yours to be important either.

Be prepared to forgive. So even my grandpa wasn't perfect?! He wasn't, and Grandma revealed that he was pretty uncomfortable to say "I'm sorry," too. (His preferred apology went something like, "Well, are you done being angry yet?") In the book I tell the story of the biggest fight he and Grandma ever had, but even then, she was so proud of herself for giving him the cold shoulder for a whole day! As Grandma knows very well, life's too short to stay mad. The word "perfection" has no place in the vocabulary of a woman who wants to live in love. ("Respect me," however, does.)

It's been two years since Grandma Glo and I completed our research for How to Love an American Man, and her increasing memory issues have called our family to practice another of love's virtues: patience. We've all grown to give more of ourselves and show Grandma the same unconditional love that we showed my grandpa. The difference is, his illness took him fast; while Grandma's takes its toll cruelly...slowly.

Both cases are proof that we don't have forever to tell our elders how much they've shaped our dreams for our lives. Helping a loved one preserve their memory -- and their memories -- is something from which we all benefit.

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What's an important love lesson that you've learned from an elder; or what would you ask them if you had the chance?

Kristine Gasbarre is a freelance writer living in New York City and working on her second book. Visit her website at www.kristinegasbarre.com, and find How to Love an American Man anywhere books are sold.