Maria Shriver

Turning Back

By Kristy Campbell

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I had a moment this week where I questioned everything. My path seemed unusually difficult, the road ahead was unclear, and my transformation seemed stalled. I wondered for a second if I should just turn back.

When I was married and in the throws of family life, my chaotic days of taking care of 5 children felt manageable because I was certain of my path and where I was headed.

My goal was to raise my children in a loving, supportive home while giving them the tools they needed to become independent-thinking, productive, kind-hearted adults.

I knew the road would be long, but I was able to manage the day-to-day activity because of the clarity of my path.

When my marriage ended, my mission with my children remained, but my path disappeared. I no longer had the support of a husband; I lost some of my friends; and, my day-to-day life became full of new worries such as where will I live, what career can I develop, and how will I work and afford daycare.

My future that had once seemed so clear was also clouded with a giant ‘Now What?’

As I picked up the pieces and began walking in a new direction, I learned an important lesson about the road to transformation...it isn’t a yellow brick road. In fact, it’s not clearly marked and there are parts that are in need of better lighting.

I’ve kept going, though, and I haven’t slowed down until this week. For the past year, I’ve been guided by my own internal sense of direction and have kept moving forward believing in my abilities and not worrying about my lack of a clear vision.

However, this week marks the one-year anniversary of my being left homeless and beginning the process of moving in with my parents. One year later, I’m still healing, still divorcing, and still wondering what my future holds.

Perhaps I was over-eager thinking that my transformation into super success single mom would have happened more quickly. Or maybe, my inner-compass needs to be reset. All I know, though, is that for the first time, I felt scared and unsure.

So I did what I always do...I prayed and asked for guidance. What I discovered is that my fear is about the unknown. I’m scared because I don’t know what is going to happen.

This realization made me laugh because in hindsight, that clear, solid path I thought I was on was riddled with deceit and wasn’t any more solid than the uncertainty of the path I’m on now.

The more I meditated and focused on what I do know about my life in contrast to that which I don’t know, I felt renewed strength in the knowledge that I do have certainty in my life: I have the love and support of my family; I have close friends who have stood by me and continue to be there for me and my children; I have my health; I have strong mentors; and I have my writing.

I’m once again headed forward on this path of transformation carrying three truths I have discovered. It was just a quick glance back.

Three Truths About Transformation

1. It is scary.
Moving from a known part of your life into the unknown is anywhere on a scale from unsettling to absolutely terrifying. Allow yourself the time to be afraid. This will give you the opportunity to not only face your fear, but also to conquer it.

2. It is challenging.
You will face days when you want to give up. It’s normal. A few friends of mine run marathons. Even the seasoned runners have said that, in every race, miles 21-24 are the toughest and they have to mentally push through wanting to quit.

3. It is worth it.
I know that my transformation isn’t about changing myself; it is about allowing myself to grow into who I need to be. I’ve often wondered if a caterpillar ever thinks about undoing her cocoon and just staying a caterpillar. My vision of my wings keeps me motivated.

Join the conversation: Have you ever wanted to turn back in your transformation? What keeps you moving forward?

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Follow Kristy Campbell's journey...read her past blogs here.

Kristy Campbell is a writer, speaker, and mom of 5. She is speaking on divorce and transformation at The Divorce Expo and also contributes to ModernMom.com and The Huffington Post. She has created a community called Divorcehood for divorced and single parents, so join her there to be part of the conversation. You can find her work at www.kristycampbellcreative.com.