I’ve been thinking a lot lately about letting go: about how easy it is to say and how hard it is to actually do.
It’s hard to let go. To let go of things. To let go of attachments. To let go of beliefs that no longer serve you. To let go of old stories. To let go of people. To let go of the way things were. And it’s especially hard to let go of children.
It’s ironic to me that parenting asks you to be all in all the time. To give love unconditionally. To be totally present and then it tells you — or makes you — let go. Just like that; you are asked to let go. It’s the cycle — or circle — of life. You give your all and if you do your children are supposed to feel loved, secure and independent. Independent enough to go off and live their own lives. And you the parent are supposed to be totally fine with that. You are supposed to wave goodbye with a big smile on your face and feel like you did good.
Letting go is tough for me. I’m doing it, but I admit I don’t like it. No, I don’t like it at all. That’s my honest feeling and truth. I went to Bed Bath & Beyond again this week (I have now have four dorm rooms and three apartments under my belt). I’ve been there so many times the manager greeted me cheerfully with jokes of, “Is this it? Is this the last time? The last one?” I smiled as my eyes welled up with tears. My daughter rolled her eyes and told me to “Relax” (FYI I hate being told to relax). She told me, “Just be happy.” She reminds me daily that this isn’t about me, it’s about letting my kids do their own thing. It is, she says, the way it’s supposed to be.
But I don’t like things the way they are supposed to be. No Architect Of Change does. We challenge what is and imagine what can be. But we also have the courage to move forward.
So as I watched my youngest child graduate from high school and walk across the stage out into adulthood, I admit I knew the time had come for me to let go. I knew I had no choice but to do so.
‘Let go Maria,’ I said to myself. ‘Let go.’
I know I can and will do it. I have faith. Faith in myself and in my kids. I know this new era of life is going to be more unscripted. More wide open. That’s both scary and exhilarating. The days will no longer revolve around school schedules. The days will become mine to imagine, mine to create.
That also means no more hiding, no more saying ‘I can’t go here,’ ‘I can’t do this,’ because of my kids. I’m free now. Omg.
So as Christopher heads off to college I know in my heart I can step back because I know he’s got it!! And I know in my heart I do as well.
Let go…Let’s go!
P.S.: I know I’m talking about letting go. This is Phase One. The big “Let Go” with a capital LG will be when I drop Christopher off at college and come home. Brace yourself.