Conscious Parenting in the Time of Coronavirus

Are you feeling edgy and triggered all the time? Anxious? Burnt out? If you are, you aren’t alone. There isn’t a parent on this planet right now who isn’t feeling all of these and more. With our children at home 24/7, we are truly being tested and challenged.

Without our “normal” distractions, our kids seem to now have:

• more tantrums
• more melt-downs
• more tears
• more fears
• more defiance
• more stagnation
• more withdrawal
• and more this and more that.

Everything seems more in these times of less doesn’t it? Although we are practicing social distance, our lives at home have become more cramped than ever. We parents can’t seem to cut a break. We can’t find me-time as we used to. Everything seems to be falling apart.

So, how do we crawl out of our emotional worm-holes? 

How do we parent our kids during a crisis? 

How do we hold onto our marbles?

This crisis is ripe for big feelings. Big feelings evoke big reactions in us. So how do we manage without yelling at our kiddos all day long?

Before I give you my tips, let me explain my approach a bit. I teach conscious parenting. And most parents resist it. Why? Because it puts all the onus on the parent. It challenges the parent to look in the mirror. When the parent is willing to see their “holes” in their own self then they can use the challenging moments with their children as opportunities to grow.

Here are some conscious parenting tips that may help you:

~ Remember that anxiety has many faces: Anxiety often disguises itself as anger, tantrums, defiance, yelling, meltdowns, procrastination, withdrawal, laziness, messiness, disorganization, and much more. Labeling it as anxiety instead of something else is key to creating compassion and connection with our kids (and ourselves).

~ Change your focus from behavior to need: Children act out for one reason only: to direct our attention to something deeper. We parents need to look beneath their behavior to ask: what does my child need from me? It is here that we can connect to the source of the misbehavior and help them manage their feelings better.

~ Give space for big feelings: Allow your children to feel safe and unjudged in their big feelings around you. Be the container for their mood swings. Know that they are just experiencing waves of emotion given these new time. Accept, allow, and understand.

~ Expect the unexpected: Remember, your kids are struggling and adapting, too. They are going to react in unpredictable and strange ways. Instead of being attached to your own expectations, remember that these are unexpected times that warrant unexpected reactions.

~ Drop the perfection: The more we desire perfection, the more we will be triggered when we don’t find it. It is better to let go of rigid order, organization and schedules at times like these.

~ Let go of the past and future: At times like these it is normal to obsess over what was and what will be. These thoughts can drive us crazy and we can unleash this craze onto our kids. When we release our expectations of how things “should” be based on the past or future plans and instead accept them as they are, we stop feeling triggered and flow more.

~ Connect before you correct: Our children respond better to a heart-centered approach as opposed to a control-centered approach. Find a way to bond with them before you correct them.

~ Empathize, don’t judge: It is easy to judge our kids and demand that they cope as we desire them to. It is important to put ourselves in their shoes to connect with their feelings first. When we do, they feel understood and from this place feel pulled to co-operate out of their own free choice as opposed to out of fear.

~ Stop punishment and start creating compassionate boundaries: Children act out when the boundaries are not clear from the start. When we understand that the problem before us could be a boundary problem as opposed to a disciplinary problem, we move away from blaming them to taking self-responsibility. We ask ourselves, “how can I create better boundaries so that there is greater clarity and flow?”

~ Put yourself first: We parents are shouldering a lot. It is not the time to have the perfect homes and perfect nails. It is time to release the burden of shame, guilt and perfection that we place on ourselves when we don’t meet society’s unattainable standards of parenthood. Take the time to tend to your own inner needs and allow yourself to feel your own feelings. Part of your self-care includes pampering yourself and taking time out for you. It also means turning off the news and allowing social-media fasts. You are the oxygen tank for your family, but you need to nurture yourself before anyone else. You are a human first and parent second.

When we see this present crisis as a vital portal to connect to ourselves and our children deeply and authentically, we will all emerge stronger and more powerful. Our children will learn that while life is hard, it doesn’t have to be insurmountable; while it is painful, this pain can be transient. Through the way we show up in these hard times, they will learn the power of connection and resilience.

This essay was featured in the April 19th edition of The Sunday Paper. The Sunday Paper inspires hearts and minds to rise above the noise. To get The Sunday Paper delivered to your inbox each Sunday morning for free, click here to subscribe.