How to Create a Less Lonely World
How can we make the world less lonely? I heard this provocative question on a radio show devoted to the national epidemic of loneliness. A recent survey discovered that 53 percent of Americans say that they don’t have anyone to discuss their problems with and that their relationships feel inauthentic. I have written elsewhere about the roots of loneliness. Here I want to address the lonely world we built around us.
The high value we place on independence makes us frightened to ask for help, ashamed that others will think of us as weak, or (gasp) lonely because we express a need. The truth is we need each other because we are human. Left alone we wither and decline. The part of the brain that lights up when you are lonely is the same place that responds to severe physical pain.
Being together and depending on each other is vital for our survival. Researchers found that loneliness is very bad for your health, as damaging to your life expectancy as heart disease or obesity, equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, yet there are many inhibitions around saying out loud that you need to have more people in your life.
When the pain of loneliness overwhelms you, you may see it merely as a numbers game. You have two good friends but you’d be less lonely if you could up that to four. Or maybe loneliness would leave you alone if you got three phone calls a week and went out every weekend. If you increased those numbers, that big hole of loneliness would get all filled up! It doesn’t really work that way. If you want to feel less lonely you have to initiate as much contact as you receive.
The truth of this came to me sharply, shortly after 9/11. I live in Manhattan where I met a woman, Sarah, who realized just how isolated she had become. After the Twin Towers fell no one called to find out if she was okay.
Sarah took some time to heal from the shock of this, and then to understand that she could not wait for people to come to her. Sarah became more active in her synagogue, joined a committee and took on responsibilities that required her to interact with others. She also volunteered at Meals on Wheels, where she met more people and visited the homebound for whom she was the one to take away their loneliness. It was hard work for Sarah to break through her isolation, but a year later she realized if something catastrophic happened she knew three people she would call.
Venturing out to address your loneliness can be intimidating. Start small, with brightening the space around you with positive contact. This can be as simple as thanking the bus driver when you pay your fare. I have done this when I feel lonely and the effect is remarkable for me and for the driver. Think how many of us go through the day barely acknowledged by the people around us. A simple thing like complimenting the store clerk’s smile is an interaction that boosts both of you. This is not enough to fully address loneliness, but it is a step toward more generous interactions with the world.
To make a bigger step, as Sarah did, takes more energy. You want to be better known by others but you may also be wary of giving too much away. The initial action is to listen, not only to your heart but to the truth of what others tell you. I appreciate how the need to address the pain of loneliness may cause you to start offering up tender pieces of your past to find others who can connect with you in these vulnerable areas, but not everyone needs to know that your father has a drinking problem, for example. To address loneliness we need to have authentic and resonant connections with others, but we also recognize that there are a precious few to whom we entrust the secrets of our hearts. This is where listening is so important.
Remember, you are the one in charge, the one who draws the boundary by deciding whom you can trust. Working with others toward a common goal, Sarah saw people in action and knew quickly which ones she wanted to know better, the ones she responded to. You can wait to reveal more when you feel safer and have developed trust with people you meet.
We need each other and that’s no reason to feel shame. The way to make a less lonely world is to generate kindness and fulfill commitments in small ways in your daily life and larger ones by being present and generous to others. Although taking on our go-it-alone culture of defiant independence is too much for any one person, the smaller circle of your home, workplace and community can become one where you are known and seen, recognized
