Looking For More Meaning in Your Life or to Amplify Your Impact? Best-Selling Author Jean Oelwang Says It All Comes Down to the Relationships We Nurture and How We Partner

When you think about partnerships, where does your mind go? Your business partners? Lovers? Friends? Jean Oelwang, author of the new book Partnering: Forge the Deep Connections That Make Great Things Happen, says each one of these different types of partnerships is important to consider. In fact, Oelwang insists that building deeper connections in both our personal and professional lives is the foundation of a meaningful life.

Oelwang would know. Over the course of the last 15 years, she’s conducted hundreds of interviews with people in more than 60 great partnerships and looked at how these connections have had profound ripple effects on everything her interviewees have done in their lives. The happy result? Oelwang’s learnings have so much to offer the rest of us on how we can achieve more, withstand anything, and amplify our impact by focusing on the partnerships in our own lives.

We sat down with Oelwang to ask her for the secrets to building relationships that matter, what surprised her the most throughout her research, and what all of us can do starting today to strengthen our own connections and forge new partnerships that may help us serve a greater purpose.

A Conversation with Jean Oelwang

You’ve been on a mission for quite some time to find out how to nurture relationships. What has been your biggest learning?

One of the things that’s become clear in my work on this topic is that we all are who we are because of the connections in our lives. Our partnerships help us become the best version of ourselves and allow us to do great things for others.

In fact, there’s a profound intersection between purpose and partnerships. So many of the people I spoke to for my book used the phrase “something bigger.” They talked about how having a partnership helped them find and fine tune their purpose, understand their strengths and weaknesses, spark innovation, and get through the rough spots. Ultimately, partnerships brought more joy to their lives and helped them have the confidence that they could do something bigger. Having a partnership allows you to have a bigger purpose in life.

I really love how Warren Buffett responded when he was asked about the meaning of life. He posed a question: Do the people you love love you back? That’s what meaning and purpose in life is all about. What a beautiful summation; meaning and purpose is about the relationships we nurture.

I used to think an ability to partner was something great leaders do. But we all can do this; we all can nurture great partnerships to help us become great versions of ourselves.

Is there anything that really surprised you in your research on partnerships?

When I started this process of interviewing people in great partnerships, everyone told me to find the dirt—the drama. I tried in those early interviews to find that drama. But what I found is that people in great partnerships find a way to rise above the drama and stay in flow with one another. They turn arguments into something they learn from, rather than something that would blow up the partnership. It’s what I came to call “positive amnesia.” When I talked to people in partnerships where I knew there were big bumps along the way, it was almost as if they forgot those bumps. They wanted to shine a light on what was beautiful about each other, rather than focus on the difficulties.

If we can do one thing today to strengthen a meaningful partnership in our lives, what would that be?

Mr. Rogers posed this beautiful question: Who has loved you into being?

Take a moment to reflect on who has loved you into being. Then, grab a pen and a piece of good, old-fashioned paper and write that person a note of gratitude.

We spend so much time building our life plan, eating well, staying in shape—and so little time recognizing those people in this world who’ve shaped us. So, if you do just one thing to strengthen a meaningful partnership in your life, show gratitude to those people who’ve loved you into being.

I also think it’s important to take a moment to think about your relationships and friendships, and ask yourself if you’re really all in. Make a commitment to your commitment. That will be what sets you free! So many people I interviewed talked about learning how to trust before being trusted and learning how to love before being loved. Really think through whether you’re all in—or if you’re holding back 10 percent because you have fear. Then, really let yourself go all in with those relationships that help you be who you are in the world.

We’re living in an increasingly individualistic society, which fosters fear and division. How can we better relate to each other in these times? Why is it so important to focus on partnerships right now?

A lot of the problems we’re seeing at the moment—racism, inequality, climate change, Putin invading Ukraine—are the result of our hyper individualism. We’re masters at it; we’ve been training for this hyper individualism from the time we’re in grade school, learning we have to be the best in class. When I started in corporate America, I was told I had to be the one to rise to the top. I feel strongly that we need to step back and unlearn all of that. Instead, we must think about how we can become hyper connected.

I hear the term “collaboration” constantly. I was in a meeting the other day and people in the room said it 50 times. But everyone was undermining each other, fighting, trying to be the best. Before we can collaborate, we need to learn how to partner with each other at a meaningful level, and at a depth that we’ve lost.

Can you share some of your own daily rituals that help you stay connected to others?

Every day, my husband and I come up with five things we’re most grateful for and share them with each other. We each share five things, because coming up with one, two, or three is easy; to get to five, you really have to think through your entire day. This practice has made us closer; it’s allowed us to travel through our days together with a lens of gratitude.

At work, I do something with my team that I learned from one of the founders of Airbnb—an exercise called “elephant, dead fish and vomit.” It’s an exercise that prompts a discussion, encouraging everyone to talk about the big elephants in the room (the stuff everyone sees but nobody’s talking about), the dead fish (things that have been there that are festering because haven’t been addressed) and the vomit (if someone’s really passionate or upset about something, this is their chance to get it off their chest). I’ve found this creates a great space to get the uncomfortable conversations out in a way that makes it lighter.

Jean Oelwang is the President and Founding CEO of Virgin Unite and a B Team Leader. She sits on the Advisory Council of The Elders, as well as on a number of boards including RMI, Just Capital, and Virgin Unite.