Happy Father’s Day to any and all who are celebrating on this special day.
Like Mother’s Day, I know this day can be emotionally charged depending on the relationship you have or had with your dad. I know it can be especially hard for those whose dads are no longer here.
Father’s Day can trigger people for a whole host of reasons, but it can also be a day filled with joy, pride, and celebration for others. Isn’t life fascinating like that? So many people waking up on a day like this having such totally different experiences?
Everyone technically has a father (some have two, some don’t have one in their lives at all). But none of us have a similar relationship with our fathers. In fact, kids in the same family can have very different relationships with their father. That was certainly the case in my family.
I was the only girl in a family with four brothers, and when I was growing up, being a "girl dad" wasn’t a thing. I don’t even think being a dad was something men were encouraged to talk about or celebrate, much less spend time doing.
Fatherhood has undergone a complete metamorphosis since I was a little girl, and I, for one, could not be happier to see fathers investing more time and effort in a role that badly needed updating.
These days, I see and hear men talking pretty openly about the challenges of fatherhood: the joys, the pain, the lessons learned. Ah, the lessons. Fatherhood can make or break the mightiest of men—that is, if they are paying attention. Fatherhood requires a lot of attention. It requires sacrifice. It requires humility. It requires you to show up in a way that is different from how you show up in your professional life.
I am inspired by stories of men who are stepping into their roles as fathers in a whole new way. I am impressed by those who are vulnerable enough to share what they are going through. My friend Craig Melvin has written a new book about his relationship with his own father. He writes about his father’s struggle with addiction, their estrangement and reunion, and the effect that he had on him. Craig also writes about his own journey into fatherhood now.
Meanwhile, Amanda Kloots has written a heartbreaking and heartwarming new book about the loss of her husband, Nick, (and her son Elvis’s dad) from Covid-19. They, like so many, are having their first Father’s Day without someone they love. I was inspired to speak to her this week and talk about how to honor a dad who is no longer here, while still honoring her father, who is.
And then actor Oliver Hudson! He is talking this week about modern fatherhood and how a whole new generation of men are carving a new path for our ever-evolving families.
So while I know mothers still do the lion's share of parenting, dads are stepping up and stepping into their roles now in ways they never have before. They seem to be trying in a way that gives me hope. So let’s cheer them forward. Let’s believe in their capabilities. Let’s give them an 'atta boy when they take paternity leave. Let’s not ridicule them when they mess up a diaper or choose the wrong clothes. Let’s encourage them forward.
Let’s also shout out all the men who have stepped into a fathering role for those who need it, as there are so many who need a dad who still don’t have one. Those figures are startling and should concern us all. Let’s applaud those men who have stepped up to adopt, foster, or help another in the myriad of ways one needs when raising a child.
For decades, men have been honored for being providers. I’d like to now see them honored for their caretaking and caregiving as well. It’s time.
It’s time for us all to recognize that, yes, it does indeed take a village to raise up a human being. It’s time for us all to recognize that fathers play an integral part at home and in the workplace. They need to push just as hard as women for family leave and for flexible hours. Like women today, they are called to be both providers and protectors, nurturers and fully embodied humans with their own emotional intelligence in the home and outside of it. To whom much is given, much is expected!
It’s been ten years since my own dad passed away. No matter your age, days like this can tug at your heart. In fact, they seem to tug at you more as you get older. Memories and questions are what I have now. I wonder what my dad would think of fatherhood today. I wonder how our relationship would be different given the "girl dad” thing. I wonder whether our conversations would be different. I wonder whether he would still have taken me with my brothers to do all the guy stuff, or whether he would have taken me to see women sports teams, women artists, or women leaders. (He did take me to meet Golda Meir!) I wonder how he would have supported those who worked for him and who were struggling with juggling family responsibilities of their own.
On this day, I think of my dad and all the things he loved to do. I also think of all he said to me over the years and how today, I realize that I am more like him than I used to believe. First and foremost, I think about how devoted he was to my mother. That was his jam. My dad was first and foremost a “girl's husband” (maybe that can become a thing). My mother was a girl whom he felt had been overlooked by her dad. I always felt that my father desperately wanted to make up for how invisible she felt.
I also think about how much my dad was filled with joy and how much he loved life. He loved everyone he met, especially those who served in the Peace Corps, the Navy, the church, or any program designed to help people better their lives.
I think about how smart he was, how creative he was, how gentle he was, and how elegant he was. And he sure was well-dressed!
Today, there is no doubt in my mind that he would marvel at the way his sons have stepped into their roles as fathers. They are all great dads in their own right, and their kids adore them.
Happy Father’s Day to them, to my son-in-law Chris, and to my kids’ dad, Arnold. (See Katherine's conversation with him and so many other dads from all walks of life in our State of Mind section below.)
Dads: this is your day to celebrate. As for my daddy, I think if he were here and had the chance to say just one thing to say to me, he would tell me what he always did: “Darling, you are the most extraordinary and beautiful woman in the world. Every room you walk into is lucky to have you. Never forget that. You can do anything your brothers can, so don’t ever forget that either. I’m the luckiest man in the world to be married to your mother and to be your father, and I’ll take that to my grave."
So Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there, and to all the men who have stepped into the role for those who need it. To all the fathers who have lost children, I send my love. To all those with strained relationships with their fathers or with their own kids, I’m thinking of you. And to all those who have chosen not to become fathers, but who have opted instead to father in different ways, thank you.
When I imagine The Open Field, I see parents who are encouraged to bring their best qualities to the table. It’s there that I see people honored for their compassion, their love and care, and the respect they bring to raising up another human being. In The Open Field, I envision the role of parent or stepparent at the top of resumes.
After all, when we value the raising of a child, we will truly be on our way to a better world.
Love,
|