Happy Happy Mother’s Day!
Whenever I think about this day, I immediately think about my own mother. Then I feel an ache. If I sit long enough with the ache (even for just a few minutes) my eyes well up with tears.
I miss my mother, like really really miss her. I miss caring for her and laughing with her. I miss her advice. I miss her larger-than-life presence. I miss watching her with my kids. I miss marveling at her. I miss watching her walk into the room with her hair flying (sometimes there were pencils in it), her papers falling out of her work bag, and her trousers falling off because she was so thin. I miss watching her own the room and captivate everyone in it.
My mother was that kind of woman. A true original. She was also a woman on a mission. She had no time for small talk, no time for makeup, and no time to brush her hair or coordinate her clothes. She was a woman in a rush, and she left a wake everywhere she went.
I miss being her daughter. Sure, there are aspects I don’t miss, like the wake, the chaos, and the relentless drive she had. It’s something that changed the world, but it also could leave a child wondering where they fit in and what they needed to accomplish to get her attention.
But I’ve now done enough work on myself and on my relationship with my mother to be able to understand it and her in a way I couldn’t when she was alive. So on this day, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and simply allow myself to miss her. I smile when I write that because it’s so true. I just miss her. And like every Mother’s Day, I send flowers to her gravesite. I know she’s not there, but just in case, the flowers are there. It makes me feel better knowing they are blooming in honor of her.
After I think of my mother on Mother’s Day, I think of my kids and how blessed I am to be their mother. Actually, I think that every single day, but I spend some extra time on Mother’s Day thanking God for the gift of my children. I’m so grateful and so blessed that they are healthy, that they are here on this Earth, that they get along with each other, and that they want to spend time with me. God, I’m grateful for that.
Actually, I don’t know what I’d do without their company, their laughter, their curiosity, their friends, and their joy. And to think I was terrified to become a mother! Gosh, what a waste of worry and time that was!
I’m also thinking on this holiday about my daughter Katherine, who is celebrating her very first Mother’s Day today. (See her essay below and our conversation that we had together.) Lyla Maria was my very first grandchild. She made Katherine a Mama, and me a Mama G, but the truth is that Katherine has always been a mama in waiting. As the oldest child, she seemed to revel in taking care of her siblings (they might say she was a boss) and she was always the biggest help to me. You could tell early on that being a mother was one of her callings in life.
Watching your child become a mother is such a blessing. It’s emotional and awe-inspiring and humbling and slightly confusing at times. But, it’s also amazing to watch your child step into that role and learn while you observe. Actually, watching so many women I know become mothers has been one of life’s greatest teachings to me.
Today, I want to bow down to all those who are mothers, and to all those who are mothering or who have mothered in the myriad of ways one can. You don’t have to give birth to have mothered. You simply need to know how to love, how to nurture, and how to care (patience and stamina also help). It also really, really helps to be able to see the child in front of you and allow them to become who they were destined to be, not who you want them to become.
In addition to my own mother, I’ve been blessed in my life to have several other people who have mothered me along the way. They are people who have held up a mirror to me, nurtured me, and reminded me of who I am when I’ve lost track. Today, I’m thinking of them and sending my deep gratitude and love.
You know, growing up I always thought I’d die if my mother died. I didn’t see how I could live in a world that she wasn’t in. I was wrong about that. Gosh, I’ve been wrong about so many things in life. I’m lucky that I learned so much from my mother and my grandmother. I copied some things they valued (manners, respect, and the importance of faith, family, loyalty, and service), but I’m also a very different kind of mother. I’m softer and gentler. I talk about feelings and emotions, which they never did. And, I’ve tried hard not to connect love and acceptance to external achievement.
I still believe I’m a work in progress as a mother. Adult children require different mothering. I’m needed and not needed at the same time. I'm asked for advice and then I'm told who asked you? So, I’m learning on the job. It’s a whole new experience, but I find it fascinating.
That said, I know that while this day can be filled with joy, it can also be sad and/or complicated for many, depending on what kind of relationship you had or have with your mother or with your children. My heart goes out to those today who find themselves grieving the loss of a mother or the loss of a child. My heart goes out to those who are estranged from one another as well. I know these kinds of holidays make those wounds feel overwhelming.
So today, if you are celebrating, count your blessings. If you have your mother in your life, hold her tight. Your smile lights up her world. Trust me, it really does.
As for me, today I’m hoping to be with my adult children, who gave me the greatest job in the world! My love and admiration for each of them is indescribable. Katherine, Christina, Patrick, Christopher: wow, I love you. And if you dare fight for one minute today, I’ll just scoop up my granddaughter and go look for leprechauns and mermaids, just like my mother used to do. In fact, I think I’ll just do that regardless.
Because, so far, Lyla Maria seems to think I’m the cat’s meow. And who doesn’t want to hang with someone who just loses their mind when you walk in the room?
Happy Mother’s Day!
Love,
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