How to Avoid Arguments at the Holiday Dinner Table
It’s very common, in our polarized and political world, for people to feel it’s okay to avoid talking to others. Perhaps there is someone in your life that you avoid talking to because you’re afraid you’ll get into an argument. Maybe you even believe that you have nothing to say to them and you don’t want to hear anything they have to say either.
Let me first reassure you: you will probably not get into an argument with this person. Every holiday season, I am asked the same question: how do I avoid arguments with family over dinner? The truth is, you don’t really have to worry about that. Year after year, polls show that less than five percent of people are very likely to get into a fight about politics during the holidays. Only about 28 percent say they’re even planning to attend a gathering during which they’ll talk about politics.
Second, the vast majority of people will refrain from talking about politics if they’re asked. If you are among the rare few who are likely to discuss controversial topics and fight about them, you can generally avoid that situation by simply saying, “We are not going to agree on that subject and I really just want to enjoy your company. Let’s talk about something else.” Then, change the subject.
But if all of that fails or if you decide you want to have the conversation, there are a number of ways to make that exchange productive and enlightening rather than hostile and frustrating. I truly hope that some choose this option and have the conversation rather than avoiding it out of fear.
It’s okay to listen to opinions you find offensive or wrong-headed without attacking the person who holds that opinion. Remember that hearing someone’s view is not the same as endorsing it. Our current polarized situation has been caused, in my opinion, by fleeing from distasteful opinions and conversing freely only with those who share our views. It’s not good for your own mental and emotional development, and it’s terrible for society, as it allows us all to isolate ourselves and see other human beings as enemies.
Often, our frustration in these exchanges is caused by our attempts to change minds or convince someone else that we are right and they are wrong. But the chances you’ll do any of that are extremely slim; it’s best to assume it won’t happen. So, stop trying to change minds and, instead, aim to learn something about the other person. You can achieve that goal one hundred percent of the time.
Enter the conversation intending to learn from the other person and gain a better understanding of their perspective and why they believe as they do. This will prevent you from isolating yourself inside an ideological bubble and it just might open your mind to new ideas.
Try to avoid evaluative listening. When you are listening this way, you are judging every word and statement to determine if you agree. Your purpose in the conversation is to decide whether the other person is right or wrong. This is the most superficial kind of listening and it rarely leads to deeper understanding.
Instead, engage in interpretive listening. With this type, you are trying to interpret what you’re hearing and make sure you understand. The final kind of listening, and the deepest, is transformative listening. With this type, you are willing to be changed by what you hear. You accept that the other person’s views are as valid as your own, and you are truly engaged in a dialogue.
As Stephen Covey said repeatedly, we are always listening not to understand, but to reply. If you want to have a productive conversation, you’ll need to hear them out and then respond to what they’ve said, rather than waiting for them to stop talking so you can recite your important fact or story.
If you’ve engaged in a conversation on a controversial subject, try to end well. If the exchange is getting heated or you’re feeling angry, simply tell the other person, “I’m starting to feel argumentative, so I’d like to change the topic, but thank you for talking with me about it.” It can be scary to discuss our opinions with people who disagree, so it’s best to thank those who take that brave step.
If you end the conversation with grace and kindness, it’s possible they will be less reluctant to have the discussion again or talk with others. It’s possible that you can start a chain of people who are open to talking about diverse opinions and considering other perspectives.
Get out there. Don’t avoid the people who disagree, but rather welcome them and allow them to open your eyes to new ideas and different experiences. There’s no reason to be afraid. After all, it’s just a conversation.
