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How To Begin Meeting Your Own Emotional Needs

by ANGIE JOHNSEY MULLINS

Have you ever found yourself walking around dazed, enamored, and maybe a little confused.? Feeling so high on life about this new person in your world? I can personally say, Absolutely! It’s an amazing feeling… this thing our minds define as being “in love.”

But have you ever stopped to think, what is actually going on with your mind during this “in love” state? 

I would love to explain exactly why you are feeling what you are feeling, but first I must warn you. My explanation is not going to be very romantic, magical, or “meant to be.” However, if you are ready to hear what I am about to tell you, it could save you a tremendous amount of emotional pain and drama down the road.

You ready?

I’ll need to first give you a little background information about your mind and how it works.

The part we call the mind-you know that sometimes loud, annoying, crazy voice in the head that keeps you awake at 3 a.m. chattering about everything you ever did or said since you could walk and talk? Yeah, that mind. Well, it has needs. It has both mental and emotional needs.

Meaning it wants to be made to feel a certain way.

Depending on the kind of mind you have, those needs may vary slightly, but the basic needs are to feel 1) seen, 2) heard, 3) wanted, and 4) safe. 

When we feel at least those four basic emotions, we then say,”I feel loved.”

Getting your needs met..finally.

So what exactly is happening when you say you are “in love” with someone?

Your mind has hit the love jackpot on having those four basic needs met–all of them–and not just the basic needs, but also those mental and emotional needs specific to your “Health Type” (don’t know what that is? check it out on angiejohnsey.com). And what happens when your mind has its needs met?  It relaxes, and if this “in love” experience with “the one” is the first time your mind has had all its needs met for awhile–if maybe ever, your mind relaxes so much and euphoria sets in. And viola; you’re “in love!”

When your mind relaxes so intensely, it is such an emotional relief.

Your mind stops obsessing, worrying, problem-making, criticizing you and everyone else, stops making you do unwanted behaviors (for instance, you may eat less)…it’s amazing!!! How amazing would it be if you could have that happen without having to find “the one”? Well, you can, but I will get to that later.

If you have ever seen anyone who is in love with being in love or just loves the newness of the relationships but soon loses interest and must find another, this is why. It feels good for your mind to relax and chill out such as drugs, alcohol, etc. Being “in love” can be addictive. 

Why does the feeling of “in love” fade?

We’ve determined that when the mind has its needs met fully, it relaxes and finds relief. In that relaxation it becomes still and quiet, sedated in it’s “in love” state. 

And then, time passes and life creeps back into your world. You stop being the center of each other’s universe. You stop being able to meet the many emotional and mental needs of the other person’s mind. Then the mind wakes back up. It wakes up and says, “Hey!!! Why isn’t the other person making me feel the way I want to feel anymore? You used to meet my needs and make me feel the way I wanted to feel. Why aren’t you doing that now? Do you not LOVE me anymore? Do I not LOVE you anymore?”

When we declare, “I love you but I’m just not in love with you anymore,” what we are really saying is, “You are no longer meeting the many emotional needs of my mind.” Here’s some news. They were never supposed to be the one to meet your minds emotional and mental needs in the first place. That’s your job. Here is a secret for you that will free you if you embrace it. We are all responsible for meeting the emotional and mental needs of our own minds. How? That’s a longer conversation but let me get you started.

3 Steps to begin meeting your own emotional needs.

1) Separate. This is the most important and can be the most difficult step to master. You must see the whiny, needy, complaining, problem-making, overreacting voice in the head as separate from you. You are the caretaker, the observer of the part of you that becomes upset and emotional.

2) Listen and Understand. Once you are separated from the mind, you can then begin helping it to relax by allowing it a safe, unconditionally loving space to express its upset and problems. Listen to it and love it with your words. Get to know your mind like you would your child.

3) Become the Caretaker. Find out what your mind needs mentally and emotionally. Does it need praise, admiration, reassurance, validation, to feel special, appreciated, valued, understood, wanted, seen, heard, safe, loved? Ask it and then meet those needs by talking to it as you would a child.

This is a process and I know it can seem complicated and overwhelming at times. I would love to hold your hand through it and show you step by step action steps that you can take each day to build this amazing relationship within yourself. If you are searching for true love free of fear, neediness, problems, and drama, this is where you start. 

Then you will find out that you are actually “the one” you’ve been waiting for.

Click here and let me send you 3 Steps each day for the next 30 days.

 

This essay was featured in the May 24th edition of The Sunday Paper. The Sunday Paper inspires hearts and minds to rise above the noise. To get The Sunday Paper delivered to your inbox each Sunday morning for free, click here to subscribe.

ANGIE JOHNSEY MULLINS

Angie Johnsey is a Life/Mind Coach from Birmingham, AL. Her articles have been featured in Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper as well as the Today Show’s One Small Thing. Angie travels and teaches her techniques for understanding the mind and dealing with emotional suffering at Health and Wellness Retreats around the world. Her most popular technique is the TIDY MIND and has been featured on the Today Show.

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