How to Keep the Spark Alive (Pandemic or Not)

Valentine’s Day is upon us, but so is the pandemic.  If you used to celebrate with a fancy dinner out, or a sexy weekend away, you’re probably really not looking forward to it this year. But as a sex and intimacy expert, every day is Valentine’s Day for me, and I have some good news for you: You are not the only person spending Valentine’s Day in a pandemic this year.  Literally everyone on earth—single or partnered—is in the same position.  So, take a breath, and acknowledge that this isn’t a YOU problem, it’s an EVERYONE problem. And from there, do what you can to make it pleasurable. Here are some tips, for today and every day until we get back to some semblance of real life:

Get emotional. Emotional intimacy is the foundation of every relationship. Before you focus on the physical, see if you can first get more emotionally connected. To get the ball rolling, ask your partner how you can be more supportive of them. Avoid making assumptions about old patterns or behaviors (what they used to like or not like)—in unprecedented circumstances, new behaviors, desires or needs might crop up. Explore these areas.

Listen. Listening, and I mean REALLY listening, is very attractive.  Practice listening actively, with your mouth closed, and try not to jump into “I have a solution to your problem” mode as soon as your partner stops speaking. You can learn a lot by taking turns not talking.

Get out of the bedroom.  No matter how nice it is, at this point in the pandemic, your bedroom is probably getting pretty boring. Put a 48-hour ban on sex in your bedroom and find an under-used part of your home. Even in a studio apartment, there’s probably a spot you’ve never done it before. Build a blanket fort in the living room and have a sleepover. Or reimagine your home as a hotel suite. Make a DO NOT DISTURB sign for your door. Order fancy “room service” and a bottle of bubbly.  Put bedtime chocolates on the pillow.  Use as many towels as you want. Remember all those fancy hotel soaps you hoarded over the last five years?  Use them to complete the illusion and be happy that you don’t have to call the front desk to beg for late check-out.

Go away.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but the absence of absence does just the opposite. If it seems like you’re always together, schedule some time apart (visit a friend, take a hike, go run some errands), so you can look forward to coming back together. Take a minute while you’re apart to send your partner a sexy text or voice message to build anticipation. “When I get back from this hike, I’m going to be sweaty and dirty, meet me in the shower?”

Celebrate. Parties are cancelled until further notice, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make up silly reasons to celebrate. It’s Wednesday night at 9PM—time to give your partner a massage that includes making out like you used to.  And next week, it’s your turn to receive. Why Wednesday night?  Why not?  You made it halfway through the week, you deserve it!

Self-care. You’ve heard this one before, but self-care is key.  Now that you don’t have to commute to or from work, you might have an extra hour in your day.  Don’t spend it on work, spend it on yourself.  We’re more available to our partners when we take the time to connect to ourselves. So, take a few extra minutes in bed in the morning to check in with your body. Take a few more to stretch and breathe before you get dressed. Bonus points if you can catch your partner’s eye and make a show of it.

Prioritize pleasure. When couples decide that their intimate pleasure is important, it becomes a priority. So, get out your phones, open up your calendars, and book two sex dates in the next 5 days. Make one of them 30 minutes, and one of them 90 minutes. Why? That’s up to you, but it’s your time, so make it count. And if you go over, good for you.

Try something new—if you think you’ve done it all, I might surprise you.  Download my YES, NO, MAYBE Guide. If you do it with a partner, pay extra close attention to anything in the MAYBE zone. That’s probably stuff you haven’t done (since that one time in college?), and it’s time to find out what you’ve been missing. If you have 5 “maybe’s,” drop them into your calendar—one a week for the next month—and now you have something to look forward to, plan for, and talk about with your friends.  With any luck, you’ll come out of this pandemic with a vaccination and a few new tricks in the bedroom.