How to Turn the Pain of Being Left Behind into the Joy of Opportunity
I remember the day vividly. It was a warm September morning. I went outside and saw my sister’s car filled with clothes and items for a new beginning. When she walked outside, she had a look of adventure mixed with anticipation on her face. My sister was about to leave for boarding school, and I was going to be left behind.
As the car drove away, I felt a sinking feeling I had never felt before. I was going to still be with my family, my friends, and at the same school—but my sister was off to something new. There was a whole new chapter before her, whereas all I had was the empty space she left. There was a deep hole that now needed to be filled. I knew she loved me, and we would remain close, but life would never be the same.
I didn’t know then that the same feeling of being left behind would follow me throughout my 20s. When I left my first college after a serious hip injury and transferred schools, I arrived at a new school—and there again I felt left behind. Most of the people I met had already decided their friend groups and their majors. I was an outsider, someone who was trying to keep up. I no longer had one of my favorite pastimes, running, in my life, and I didn’t know who I wanted to be. As much as I tried to gain ground, the more I felt lost. The harder I tried to fit in, the more I knew that, somehow, I had missed the starting point and was last in the race.
The same feeling came to me when I turned 30. A lot of my friends were getting married and starting to plan their families. I was going through another break-up, and had decided to leave politics to pursue a new career path. Again, that same feeling arrived: I felt left behind. For some reason, I felt that I had to rush, that there was something wrong with me, and that I was not enough. I told myself that along the road, I made wrong choices, and the mistakes followed me throughout every turn. The more I compared myself, the more I felt like there was something missing.
In life, we work so hard to establish constants. We find relationships, careers, and a clear identity to ensure we never have to feel this sinking feeling of loss. When the coronavirus shut down the world, I know that many people suddenly felt left behind. Now, they were missing out on in-person college graduations, having to change cities or move back home. There was a lot of anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns surrounding the feeling that because of something out of control, their life could not be what it should be.
When I was thinking of writing this article, I wanted to find some positive spin for why it is noble and right to be left behind. Instead, all I could think of was children whose parents died and left them, or parents who had children die. I thought about people who put their heart and soul into a career only to see their coworkers get promoted or themselves fired. Parents who spend so much energy help their children blossom, yet still, when they leave for college, feel left behind. I thought about someone so in love with another person, only to be broken up with or divorced and forced to start over with a life on their own.
While the feeling of being left behind is not positive, what you can do with that feeling can be. When you are left on your own, in that feeling of loneliness, there is only one place to turn. Every time I have been left behind, I was completely terrified. If I had constantly been surrounded by another person, or busy with work, there was a purpose besides myself. I didn’t have to spend time alone, and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to do a personal inventory of what it was I truly enjoyed, and where in my life I needed to make changes. Distractions were less fulfilling, but they were easier than looking at parts of myself I didn’t want to see.
When you are faced with that void, it is time to meet yourself. It is time to come home.
In whatever form it comes, each time I am left behind I now must change my mental state and find peace with it. I must dive into that feeling and why I have it, and how I can change from it. I actually tell myself out loud that it is going to be hard, but it will be worth it. If you are like me, and have spent your life running away from yourself, eventually you will be forced to realize that at the end of the day, you are all you have. When you do, you will have a chance to live a meaningful, authentic life where you are no longer playing catch up, but can, instead, chart your own course.
If you have ever felt left behind, there are three things you can do to help move from that place of pain to one of awareness and strength.
• First, you must tell yourself that it is okay to not be okay. We try so hard to keep it together. If a situation has fallen apart, sometimes it’s best just to let it fall. The more you try to cling to what was, or what you didn’t get, the more you stop yourself from moving on with your life. The wheel of fortune is always turning, and if you find it has not turned in your favor, know that it eventually will. But for that change to happen, you must let whatever left you go. To fully do that, be gentle on yourself. It’s okay to grieve, to feel down, and to feel hopeless. Lean into those feelings without shame or judgement because they will pass.
• Second, trust your own timeline and your own path. When we look at other people, social structures, or societal pressures to gain our own sense of confidence, then of course, when you don’t get that job or you get divorced, you might think that it has to do with your self-worth. If you can reframe your own narrative, however, and say that was not meant for me, or I believe a better opportunity will come, you are able to look within to find that validation. When we are left behind, it is a chance to realize that the situation was out of your control, but you are in control of your own emotions and self-esteem. If you trust yourself, and rely on yourself, you won’t compare yourself to others. When you know you have your own journey, you realize a lot of the pain that comes with being left behind revolves around what you think you should do more than what is best for you.
• Third, while you may have felt left behind, and maybe you are alone and afraid, you now have space for some personal time where you can focus on what you want from your life. Every time I have been left behind, I have had a big change that forced me to grow and move in a different direction. While the void seemed impossible to fill, the universe hates a void. I went in dramatically different directions after each major life shift because I had the empty space to step into. Without that gap, I would never have tried a new career, hobby, relationship, or friend group. I changed because I had to, not because I wanted to. At the time, it may seem unfathomable that life will get better. But if you can use the time alone to focus on what makes you genuinely happy, you will get to the other side and realize you most likely would have never made that crossing if you weren’t left.
As I look back at my 14-year-old self, alone of the driveway, I had no idea the role I would step into now that my older sister was gone. It’s only now that I can fully appreciate exactly what that was: a middle child who could no longer just ride on her older sister’s coat tails. But that was exactly it: when we are left behind, we may find that whatever left us prevented us from really digging into an emotion or part of ourselves that we had been actively avoiding. It is an opportunity to shift down a gear, find strength you didn’t know you had, and live life in the driver seat. We are unique, and the more we can lean into that, the more we can live a life rooted in authenticity.
I know I will be left behind again, but this time, I will use it as a chance to come home to myself. Will you?
