Identify the New You
I think one of the hardest things about going through a world-rocking, life-changing experience is that you come out the other side as someone totally different, only your mind is still processing what’s happened as who you were not as who you are now. It’s like one of those sci-fi movies when the spaceship moves into hyperdrive or warp speed or whatever they call it and then the galaxies all blur into streaks and suddenly the Enterprise is in another dimension. You have become something else. You’ve moved on to an entirely new dimension but your sense of self—the you that makes up your thoughts and feelings—is still the you who you always were.
Life is so rude sometimes.
As if it weren’t enough that you’ve got to deal with the emotional upheaval of what you’re experiencing, now you also have to contend with a big old identity crisis. Only most of us won’t see the crux of the problem as a question of identity, which makes it harder still.
In my opinion, there are four different kinds of identity crisis as it pertains to loss/pain/grief:
- You had an identity and it was taken away from you—“I was a great worker, but my company laid me off. Now I’m just unemployed.”
- You want an identity that is denied to you—“I wanted to be a mom so badly, but the IVF treatment didn’t work and I’m devastated.”
- You chose an identity and no longer want it—“I thought that I was happy as a stay-at-home mom, but actually, I’m depressed and not a good mama to my kids.”
- Someone else chose an identity for you that isn’t who you are—“Being in this management role keeps me from being creative, but my boss thinks I’m needed here. I feel like I’m dying inside.”
What identities are you carrying because you care so much about the people who gave them to you? What are the areas in your life where you’ve dissolved boundaries to be present for others at the loss of yourself? I know it is possible for me to do this work, and to show up well for my community while being true to myself. I believe it’s possible for you too, but first you must decide which identity you will choose going forward.
Identity is who you are, and the most important lesson I want you to take away from this is that you are so much more than the trauma you are living in, whatever that looks like. Your identity is just that, yours. You might have cancer, but you are more than a cancer patient. He might think of you just as a middle manager, but if your identity is a creative powerhouse, live into that! If you feel trapped by your identity because you know it is hurting you, break free and do the work to claim the truth that fits you now. No one gets to define you but you.
Excerpt from DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING: Putting Life Back Together When Your World Falls Apart. Copyright © 2020 Rachel Hollis. Reprinted by permission of Dey Street Books, an imprint of William Morrow (HarperCollins Publishers).
This excerpt was featured in the October 4, 2020 edition of The Sunday Paper. The Sunday Paper publishes News and Views that Rise Above the Noise and Inspires Hearts and Minds. To get The Sunday Paper delivered to your inbox each Sunday morning for free, click here to subscribe.
