Psychologist Lori Gottlieb on Why Turning to One Another Can Help Maintain Our Sanity

1. The World Health Organization's report about depression affecting more women than men is disconcerting. Why do you think that is?

Women are busier than ever and facing enormous stress, which can lead to depression. Women, especially, tend to hold themselves to very high standards whether that’s in the workplace or family or both, and sometimes these expectations aren’t realistic, so we feel as if we’re failing. The reality is that we’re wildly successful given the challenges we’re facing, but because of these perfectionistic tendencies, instead of patting ourselves on the back for a job done well enough, we often see only the things we didn’t do as well as we might have liked. On top of this, we take on so much in the service of others—partners, children, parents, friends—that we forget to take care of ourselves. When we place ourselves last on the priority list, we can be hesitant to ask for help. As a result, women tend to ruminate more, which also contributes to depression.

2. What are some of the most prevalent mental health issues affecting women today and how can we get help?

I would say it’s a lack of connection. I see this in my therapy practice that no matter what problem someone might be coming in for, there tends to be an underlying sense of loneliness or disconnection even if this is someone who is loved by family and friends.

On the one hand, people are more connected than ever through their cell phones, but they’re lacking the nourishing connection of being together face-to-face without the distraction of phones pinging mid-conversation, and really being present with one another. Even with their partners, women will say that when they spend time together, they’re co-computing at night. Maybe they’re sitting next to each other on the couch or in bed, but they’re both on their respective screens and in their own worlds instead of really connecting with each other.

Ultimately, this lack of connection leads to a feeling of isolation, the sense that you’re the only one feeling this way because nobody’s really talking about what they’re going through. And social media will tell you a different story, that everyone’s doing great! Sometimes people cope with these feelings with food, or wine, or the Internet, which my colleague once called, “the most effective short-term nonprescription painkiller out there.” It’s a short-term fix but it won’t last long.

The best thing you can do when you’re feeling sad or anxious is to connect with people. Go for a walk with a friend. Meet for coffee for an hour and leave the phones in your bags. Put away the screens and talk with your partner for 20 minutes before bed and hear what’s going on in each others’ days. Put on some music and dance or laugh together for ten minutes while cooking. It doesn’t take much to get the benefit of connection, but you have to be intentional about creating those opportunities for yourself. If you make this a priority—a small chunk of time here or there on a consistent basis—you’ll see a significant boost in your mood.

3. Is our current divisive climate, are you seeing more instances of depression and anxiety? Can these problems be worked out in therapy?

Many people are feeling anxiety from the onslaught of the daily news, and it can help to have a place to talk about the impact this is having on our emotional health. Whether that’s in therapy or with a trusted friend or family member, it’s important to be able to step back and process what we’re exposed to and how it affects us over time. Sometimes just being listened to without judgment is tremendously helpful, and that’s something we can remember to do for others as well.

4. What are some preventative steps we can take to keep up our mental resilience and wellbeing?

Each of us can make sure we’re practicing good emotional hygiene. That means connecting meaningfully with others, getting outside and moving our bodies, putting healthy foods on our plates, and getting enough sleep.

We can also practice getting comfortable asking for help before we become overwhelmed, and appreciate all of our daily “wins.”

Most of all, we need to be kind to ourselves. Women can be so hard on themselves and it’s exhausting. Listen to the critical voice in your head as you go through your day. Ask yourself, would you talk this way to someone you care about? Is what you’re saying kind or true or helpful or even respectful? If the answer is no, give yourself a break.

And laugh at least once a day. No matter what else is going on, find the humor in being human. Remember, we’re all in this together.

This Q&A was featured in the March 1st edition of The Sunday Paper. The Sunday Paper inspires hearts and minds to rise above the noise. To get The Sunday Paper delivered to your inbox each Sunday morning for free, click here to subscribe.