The First Step to Finding Big Love: Looking Within

When I was twenty-eight years young, I walked down the aisle with my gay male best friend from college.  Of course I didn’t realize he was gay at the time.  Or did I?  The beauty of aging is the wisdom hindsight provides.  Dear friends to this day, he and I were clearly not meant to be on the path of marital bliss together. But the greater reality is, that while he was not yet “out” to himself and the world at that time, I was no more in touch with me. Since then, my life has been a continual deeper dive into the truth of my heart, while also having the privilege to bear witness to countless clients tap into the knowing of theirs.

There are more single individuals today in our society then ever before in American history.  Marriage is a choice, versus the antiquated dictate of the past. And, with half of marriages sadly still ending in divorce, loneliness has been an epidemic in our society effecting mental health and life satisfaction for so many.  It is spiking now, amplified by social distancing requirements from the current global coronavirus pandemic.

Loving and being loved is part of our birthright and human experience. If you are wanting to attract romantic love into your life, or experience it once again, I hope that what is shared here may resonate and awaken your senses, supporting this desire and its unfolding.  Dating and matchmaking is happening, even during this most unusual time. And, it can happen for you too.

But first…just as there are stages of human development, so too are there stages for attracting intimate love that lasts. I have created a 4-step “L.O.V.E.” formula to finding “Big, Real, True Love”.  I have lived these stages in my own personal journey, and teach the operating principles embedded in them.  In this article, the first stage is presented, which is the foundation for all that follows.

This initial phase focuses your attention on yourself, connecting inward.  Some of the content shared is in the form of Perceptional Blocks, Pivots and Portals to Love, through the lens of what I call “Interpersonal IQ” . Abbreviated as IPIQ, this theory integrates the power of the perceptual field along with the power of language… which either helps or hinders our connection with self and others.

 The Journey Within

“True love includes Self-Love too” —Dhiman

Primary IPIQ question to ponder:   Who Am I?

For those who are single, one of the most significant dating advantages of this era is that it may afford you greater time and space to indulge in the process of “Looking Within.”

We hoped this Covid-19 era would be a season, but it is taking several to see its way through to its end. The consequential enforced solitude has decreased the degree of external distractions.  This can free up the bandwidth in your heart, home and life…necessary to call in a healthy, joyful relationship. This quarantined time can inspire stillness versus frenetic movement, allowing for curiosity, exploration and discovery. The only requirement is your willingness to embark on this process of deep and honest reflection.  This is the thriver’s journey, because true thrivers look for hidden takeaways and treasures in everything.

The first step in the “L.O.V.E Formula” leads you to “Look Within”… noticing the quality of your relationship with you.  How many times have you heard the idea that you need to “Love yourself before you can love another”?  I suspect many times, because it’s the truth.

In my 25 years in private practice as a psychotherapist, I’ve surmised that most people were raised by parents who sincerely loved them. That said, most did not receive optimal parental attunement, instilling self-confidence from feeling seen, heard and understood.  Not feeling fully valued for the truth and totality of who you are is often the catalyst to later seek out self-development tools, books, programs and therapy. The hope is to understand, heal and fill this internal void, created by unmet needs as a child.  This is experienced by learning to grow yourself up, by tuning into and trusting the voices of your own heart… embracing your inherent worthiness as a human being.

While most humans desire to love and be loved, not everyone is ripe and ready to give and receive it. The Persian poet and Sufi master, RUMI, stated:  “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  These barriers usually pertain to the degree to which you value yourself and/or trust others.  They are internalized perceptions and assumptions about the way things were, are, and will be again.

Many of these distortions have been downloaded and stored as limiting beliefs about the perfection of who you are.  If this resonates, it is likely that these self-deprecating thought patters may have very well blocked the plethora of possibilities that are available for you to experience in this lifetime, including finding the life partner who is meant for you.

Related to the idea of readiness, I recently noticed another valid observation, posted on social media, from an unknown author:  “Most are not running away from a great partner. They are running away from parts of themselves they are not willing to fix to deserve them.”   Focusing within also allows for a time of reckoning…admitting the areas that require honest reflection and responsibility for what needs attention, healing and repair.

Dating sites ask you to write a paragraph or more describing yourself.  It’s startling how many have difficulty with this. If this applies to you, there is an invitation and opportunity to more directly tune into who you are and what you desire. Below is a quick cheat sheet to guide you on an inward journey, helping to identify ways in which you are intimately connected or disconnected to yourself.  It will illuminate where there are clear receptive channels for love to find you, or where there are invisible walls that have been blocking its unfolding…up until now that is.

IPIQ “Looking Within” questions

• What are five positively imbued adjectives that describe you?
• What are your interests, values, and lifestyle preferences?
• Can you write a paragraph about yourself, that conveys your essence and truth of your desire?
• Do you enjoy your own company?
• What makes you feel loved?
• How do you express love demonstratively?
• Do you feel open to giving love with no holds barred?
• What have you learned about yourself in past relationships?
• Are you at peace with your past, or have former relationship wounds influenced your sense of worth and belief in the possibility for finding your true love?
• Are you practicing self-care to thrive, in spite of Covid, or pre-occupied and riddled with anxiety?

If you breezed through these questions with eagerness, ease, and excitement then you have clearly reached a wonderful place within yourself that will allow you to successfully and joyfully move into romantic involvement in your future!

If this was mostly easy for you, with a few places to revisit, reflect upon, and re-evaluate…then good to know. Now, you know what to do.

If you found these questions difficult, uncomfortable, or painful to answer, then it offers compelling and encouraging feedback to take the time to date YOURSELF right now.

What does this mean and how does this work?  It’s the same way it works on the dating field:

INVEST TIME to get to know yourself more intimately.

LISTEN to what you hear.

NOTICE any judgments, put-downs or dismissals.

EXPLORE their origin, identify the distortions, and choose to let it go.

SPEND TIME on acknowledging new insights.

CREATE new narratives to replace the old, with truths that are healing, revealing, and give rise to the real you.

CELEBRATE the magnificence of who you are!

PERCEPTUAL PIVOTS:

During challenging times, and most certainly in an era of pandemic reinforced solitude, time to “look within” carries the power to remember, reclaim, and shine the spotlight on the innate beauty of who you are. It will also reveal any former barriers that have prevented you from recognizing, choosing and experiencing healthy, joyful, and lasting love with a romantic partner.  If, through your looking-within reflective process, you discover that you judge yourself harshly…this mostly likely has impacted the degree to which you have felt worthy of being adored and cherished.  Simply stated, you cannot call in a great love if you don’t feel great about yourself.

If a self-critical program has consciously or unconsciously been running your love life thus far, are you wanting and ready to change that old story?  If so, the other side of perceptions that block love are the perceptual pivots toward love. Here are a few examples of some perceptual shifts that will enrich your experience within and with others on the dating field…

Perceptual Block: “I’d like to meet someone but I’m a nervous about Covid and can hardly leave my house. I was a bit germ phobic before and now it’s taking it to a whole new level!“

Perceptual Pivot:  Embodying mental and emotional health precedes relationship alignment.  Accessing an inner state of calm is important before you can truly attract a steady connection with a potential partner.  The current circumstances, despite its challenges, offer the opportunity to excavate deeper into the origins and remedies of the longer standing anxiety you’ve struggled with.  No matter how many feet we are socially distanced, we can’t always control what happens to us.  Rather, our control lies in how we perceive, react, and interact with any circumstance. Seeking ways to ground and sure yourself up, with enough support to do so, will allow space and readiness to enjoy the dating experience, without handicap or hesitation.

Perceptual Block: “I’ve never been married, had a few relationships that have ended and feel self-conscious about that…like I’m damaged or something.”

Perceptual Pivot: Contrary to the belief that your history dictates your future, your value as a person and potential loving partner is not necessarily correlated with your former relationship experience. Everyone has a past. Be someone who has learned from yours. Hold your head up high about what you now know and how it’s contributed to your growth.

Perceptual Block: “I’m not the one most go for. I seem to be the type they claim to love and then leave.”

Perceptual Pivot:  You don’t need “most” to want you and stay, just the one who is right for you. You are also not a “type”. You are you, worthy of loving and being loved.

Perceptual Block: “During Covid, sometimes I’m more connected to myself then ever and other times I feel scattered. How am I going to attract the right person if I feel so volatile?”

Perceptual Pivot: During this unprecedented time of change, isolation, stress, and uncertainty…many are experiencing distraction and incongruence. Attracting the right partner does not mean being perfect. It means that you are both sharing your human experience, amidst the inevitable ever-changing and sometimes turbulent tides of life.  Stay real, love yourself any-way and always, and practice self-care centering daily exercises.

Perceptual Block: “Sometimes I’m afraid I will come across as desperate or needy, especially now that I feel more lonely.”

Perceptual Pivot: There’s a distinct difference between healthy reliance and debilitating dependency. We’ve been more bereft of human physical contact during these times. Many hearts are longing for it more than ever.  Rather than harshly labeling or pathologizing your desires, acknowledge yourself as available and appreciative of a meaningful connection with a special human being, you deem worthy of your attention and affection.

Perceptual Block: “I compare myself sometimes and just don’t feel I’m enough…attractive enough, wealthy enough, strong enough, successful enough.”

Perceptual Pivot: Strengthening and practicing IPIQ communication applies to you too!  There is such power in intention, thought and the words we speak. I encourage you to read, receive, and say aloud to yourself these affirmative self-talk statements, reflecting back to you your self-worth. It will feel good to you and also be felt by others on and off the dating field.

IPIQ Self-Love Affirmative Language:

• I Am Loving
• I Am Worthy
• I Am Enough
• I Have Learned and Grown from Every Relationship, that has Shaped Who I Am Today.
• I Love and Appreciate Myself
• I Have Much Love in My Heart to Share

This exploration and connection into YOU is a necessary evolutionary step before you embark on connecting with others on the dating field.  It’s crucial that you take the time to know and choose you first, before you can expect a worthy partner to do so. Acknowledging, accepting, and falling in love with the truth of who you are will be the best aphrodisiac to attracting the love you seek…with the person who is seeking the real and wonderful you.

It takes unwavering commitment to let go of any resistance to developing a loyal and lasting relationship with you. You may already be aware of old sabotaging patterns that has kept the door to your love life closed or rotating.  In such a time as this, you can invest the reflective time to receive the insights, revelations, and tools to overcome them.

Conquering prior self-imposed barricades to fully loving yourself will pave the way for the right person to love you too.

I fondly remember a client who sought a reflective therapy process to better understand and transform his “difficulty with intimacy.”  As we explored this together, what surfaced quickly was the unyielding self-depreciating thoughts he was imposing on himself, as well as the mindset of scarcity that hindered his belief that he could actually find a fabulous partner. One day, not long after he began his deep dive within, he walked into session elated and exclaiming “Wow, now I can’t hold back loving on everyone!”  Since then, he found the love of his life, who he’s lived happily with for over fifteen years.

You deserve to feel proud of who you are and excited to share yourself with the love that awaits you.  As you surrender into the solitude of this time, a deeper pathway to you can spring forth.  And when you shift, from being the victim from, to the creator of your experience, you gain the clarity, sovereignty and power to call in the man or woman of your dreams.  All the while, and in the meantime…reveling in being your own true companion.

Editor’s note: Dr. Marcy Cole will be offering a four-week webinar called ‘Finding Love Again’ beginning in March. To learn more and sign up, click here.