Why ‘Showing Yourself Grace’ Is the Antidote to Overwhelm

We’re quick to defend our family. We’ll always stick up for our friends. And Heaven forbid anyone criticize our children. Yet when it comes to ourselves? That’s a different story, says Faith Broussard Cade. “We don’t stop ourselves from saying nasty things about ourselves to ourselves,” says the Atlanta-based mental health counselor.

Cade sees this issue constantly in her practice: So many of us, particularly women, are living with a persistent and mean inner critic—that voice in our heads that tells us we’re not good enough, not productive enough, not successful enough. Toss in a pandemic and all the expectations of the “new normal”—stretched working hours, virtual Zoom dates, home schooling, a side hustle—and that voice gets louder. Even though the reality is that “no one—no one!—can do all that and function as a sane human person,” says Cade, we think otherwise, which leaves us feeling overwhelmed, depleted, and unsatisfied.

The antidote is looking out for ourselves like we do for those we love. Cade calls it “showing ourselves grace.” Sure, it sounds a little idyllic. But in truth, as Cade tells us here, it might be the one thing that saves us from overwhelm—and allows us to live fully and authentically.

A Conversation with Faith Broussard Cade

Let’s start by unpacking what you’re seeing in your work. Many of your clients are facing a steepening uphill battle against juggling expectations, both self-imposed and societally imposed. How is this manifesting in our day-to-day lives?

We can be on autopilot all the time and we can do a whole bunch of stuff, but then we get to the end of the day and we don’t feel fulfilled. We don’t feel content or that we’ve accomplished the things that we were wanting to or needed to accomplish. We don’t feel that we really completed one thing. We may not even remember half the things we did, but we were legit busy all day. It’s the worst feeling in the world: a genuine sense of overwhelm. A genuine sense of overwhelming discontent.

For women, especially, I’ve seen so many feel dissatisfied with themselves. We already have all of these roles that we play and all of these hats that we wear. Add a pandemic on top of it, and now there’s an expectation that we’re supposed to be starting a side hustle today while remembering all the kids’ dentist appointments and Aunt Mary’s birthday and getting dinner ready—all while trying to be career competent while not having the kids in the background of your Zoom meeting.

What are the consequences of this?

More than ever, all of that is affecting our sense of self in a toxic and a negative way. Before we had all of that expectation that was looming. But now there’s more stuff piled on and there’s more pressure to perform because many of us are working at home now. This idea that, well, you’re not commuting every day so you should be able to do this. What I’m seeing with a lot of my clients is: I’m home, so I thought I was going to be able to do more. I thought I was going to be more productive. I thought it was going to be a slower pace. But it’s not like that. And now so many feel like a crappy wife, crappy mom, a crappy friend, a crappy daughter—all of these things.

These things weigh on us. They weigh on our self-concept—the ideas we believe about ourselves—and our inner critic is even louder now than it was before. And that’s where the grace part comes in.

Tell us about that. Why is it important to show ourselves grace?

I believe that grace is very much a tool. And not only a tool that we try to offer others, but also one that we offer ourselves.

I believe in the realm of spirituality, and because God gives us grace, we in turn offer grace to others. But there’s not a whole lot of talk about us giving grace to ourselves. That seems kind of weird, right? All the things we say: Be kind to yourself. Say nice things to yourself. It all sounds kind of hokey because, who is really talking to it themselves?

What we don’t realize, though, is that negative voice, that inner critic, is always there feeding us things about ourselves. Those things might have come from parents who expected us to be perfect, or a school counselor who told us we’d never get a decent job, or whomever. Those voices over time become the norm and they morph into what we believe about ourselves. And even though it’s not true, that’s what we believe to be true because we start to internalize those words, those thoughts, those criticisms, those negative mindsets. And when we mess something up or don’t do something perfect, those thoughts immediately pop up.

What that inner critic does is it strips us of our sense of power. It strips us of our actual voice because the voice that’s in our head is not our own. That is why grace is so important. We have to be extremely intentional about combating those lies with the truth.

What does it look like to show ourselves grace?

It is something we have to be very intentional about. For example, I try to be a very kind and Zen person, but one thing I will never let happen is someone trying to mess with my baby. It’s not going to happen. So we’re that way about our kids, we’re that way about our family members and our best friends. But at the same time we’re not that way about ourselves. We don’t stop ourselves from saying nasty things about ourselves to ourselves. Those thoughts we have in our heads about ourselves? We would never say to our best friend—ever! And we would never let anyone else say them to her. You would love your best friend. You would compliment her and lift her up if she’s feeling down about herself.

It’s really so sad to think that for so many of us, we’re not flooded with love and unconditional positive regard and just adoration and compassion and empathy for ourselves.

How do we show ourselves grace? What steps do we take?

You cannot work on a problem until you admit that there is one. A lot of us have been this way for so long that we don’t even recognize that negative inner critic is there. There’s a comfort level with that little bit of misery. You might not allow yourself to get two happy, too excited, or too elated about anything. So the first step is pointing out and naming that this is not okay. It’s about realizing that whatever that feeling or voice inside of my head is telling me, that is not okay. That it is not my voice. That is not me because I have a beautiful heart and a beautiful soul. I am gracious to others. I am loving and compassionate. Begin with positive things about yourself because you know them to be true. So the first part is naming it.

The second part is agreeing to do the hard work. It’s time to figure out how to incorporate those things that you know about yourself into your daily life, in your daily thought process and patterns. That could look a lot of different ways. Right now we are in a pandemic, so as far as seeing a therapist or a mindset coach may not be ideal or permitted, but you can look into finding someone to do virtual sessions, which is part of what I offer. Part of this step is realizing that if you have been in this rut for so long, it’s going to take time and help to get out of it. And it’s about being brave enough to seek that help. It’s not that we are broken and need to be fixed. But there are parts of us that are wounded and need to heal.

Then thirdly, it is about knowing you are worth the time that this commitment takes. Maybe you need to say, ‘this is go-time.’ It’s commit or be complacent, right? It’s making the choice. And here is where that self-concept and grace really come back into play. It’s admitting the following:

• I am worth every bit of commitment that this is going to take to get to where I want to go.
• I am worth taking the time away from being pulled in a million different directions.
• I’m worth stepping back and realizing that I need me time. This is my dedicated time to do the work that I need to do—no exceptions—because I have put in the work for everyone else. I will not apologize for it. I will not explain over and over why I need this time. I deserve it. I am worthy of it. My feelings and my needs have value. And in order to be my best self, which then trickles down into me being my best for the people that matter most to me, I have to do this work. I will not compromise.

What benefits do you see in your clients when they start to do this work?

My clients will often tell me it’s like a weight lifted off of their shoulders. They feel less like they’re always rushing to do something all the time.

It will feel almost like you’re meeting yourself for the first time, which is a beautiful thing. At the same time, for some people that can be startling. Sometimes the healing process is going to hurt more than the dysfunction that you are trying to walk away from—because, again, that dysfunction keeps you company. It’s like the Southern comfort food that you could just sit on the couch and eat but you know that it is not good for you longterm. This is like stepping away from that sweet tea, Mac and cheese, and fried chicken. It’s hard, but it must be done in order for you to show up the way you want to show up in life.

So there’s a little push back, right? It’s going to feel uncomfortable. You’re going to maybe feel some resistance from people. You’re going to feel maybe even some criticism in some ways, and that’s perfectly okay. Once you’ve pushed past that, the benefits are endless. You really just feel like you can breathe probably for the first time. You are able to sit back and say, I earned this for myself. I deserve this. I worked hard for this. I can be at peace. I can sit with myself in a quiet room and not feel uncomfortable and not feel like I need to turn on some external noise, a TV or Pandora station or something to keep me company. You start to learn the value of your own company.

It’s a beautiful thing when I see clients get to that space. It makes me emotional because some of us have been in that rut for so long. We honestly don’t know if we’ll ever get to that place of liberation, emotional freedom, or just being in a healthier space. We get used to the drudgery. And then when there is light in the mood, and you see colors brighter, you get excited about houseplants, things taste better, you find yourself laughing more. You start to feel inner joy, which is something that can’t ever be replaced—ever.

Faith Broussard Cade, M.Ed., is an Atlanta-based mental health counselor, wellness advocate, and writer. She is the founder of Fleur de Lis Speaks and the author behind the guided journal Because You Are Worthy: 90 Days of Transformative Self-Love. On her Instagram, Cade posts daily life-changing notes hand-written on torn pieces of paper as a tangible reminder to slow down, take care, and show yourself kindness and grace. To learn more visit fleurdelisspeaks.com.